I always wonder how I can be barely depressed one day and deep in the throes of it the next. Did I think bad thoughts, eat the wrong thing, snap at my beautiful bride, or my unconditionally loving dog? This is kinda for me, but also for those of you who are trying, as I, to muddle your way through this ugly disorder. My conclusion is that the absence of a reason is more evidence for me that I didn't do anything wrong. I am more convinced, not less, that we may all have triggers, but that there are no preventive measures that will always work. I do know more about my personal trial, surgery, today than I did yesterday, so there are fewer unknowns. I guess my anxiety may have started a count down that can not get here fast enough, but I don't believe that is the base cause of feeling depressed today.

I guess where I am right now is simply a result of some chemical imbalance that I will never fully comprehend, despite reading as much as I can about it. I hope that is the message I can leave with anyone else out there who suffers silently and those who are seeking help. I just want to know and everyone else to know that you did not do anything to make this happen today. Regardless of what we may have done in our past that could have contributed, could being important, to developing this problem, those days are gone and if you want forgiveness for that past, it is available. First though, you have to forgive yourself and through that, find a real love for yourself (not some kind of pride or narcissism). I read yesterday that God has forgiven us every sin we have ever committed if we have asked. If we can't do the same, we have set ourselves up as a higher tribunal than Him and none of us have the authority to do that.

So, I end with my mantra; I didn't wake up every other day of my life feeling like this and I will not wake up every other day the rest of my life feeling like this, so "God just help me get through this day and help me feel your love at every opportunity, Amen".